![]() For the person you lost, the pain is over. Now is the time to start healing yours. A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide by Jeffrey Jackson I discovered the term survivor of suicide loss only when I lost my husband to suicide last year. Until then, death by suicide was something that happened to others. It happened in other families. Not in mine. People who died of suicide were faceless, nameless statistics. However, all these defenses crumbled when I had to confront the staggering reality of my loss. A survivor of suicide loss is someone who has lost a person dear to them to suicide. A close family member, a dear friend, colleague or a health care professional (notably mental health professional) could at any point be a survivor of suicide loss. “You are a “survivor of suicide,” and as that unwelcome designation implies, your survival—your emotional survival—will depend on how well you learn to cope with your tragedy. The bad news: Surviving this will be the second worst experience,” writes Jeffrey Jackson, a survivor of suicide loss, in AHandbook for Survivors of Suicide. Suicide, as we all know, is an intentional self-inflicted death. Edwin Shneidman, the pioneering suicidologist, vividly describes suicide as “psych ache” or intense psychological pain. Not surprisingly, mental health issues have been identified as a predisposing factor in 90 percent of deaths by suicide. According to the American Association of Suicidology[1], “the primary goal of a suicide is not to end life, but to end pain.” The statistics are indeed grim.
Death and the resulting emotion grief—the loss of someone we love—are universal experiences. However, a death by suicide, has been described as a death like no other. Suicide, like death by accidents, murder (homicide) and even unanticipated sudden death, is another form of traumatic death. However, death by suicide doesnot elicit the same level of compassion and empathy in people to support the bereavement process. This huge empathy deficit makes a survivor of suicide loss feel isolated and excluded. The American Psychiatry Association (APA), suicide bereavement as “catastrophic” on par with a concentration camp experience. According to the APA, family members of individuals who die by suicide—including parents, children, and siblings—are at increased risk of suicide—almost 400 times higher than others. Survivors of suicide loss are invisible and marginalised. They often encounter blame, judgment or social exclusion, while mourners of loved ones who have died from terminal illness, accident, old age or other kinds of deaths usually receive sympathy and compassion. Thus, grief and the grieving process for survivors of suicide loss is complex and complicated. It is compounded by negative societal attitudes based on stigma, shame, secrecy and silence around suicide. This is because we tend to view suicide through a morality lens rather than a public health crisis and mental health issue, which it truly is. “It’s strange how we would never blame a family member for a loved one’s cancer or Alzheimer’s, but society continues to cast a shadow on a loved one’s suicide,” writes Deborah Serani in Understanding survivors of suicide loss[2]. There is a strong sense of shame associated with suicide. Most survivors of suicide loss prefer not talk about suicide; of someone who died by suicide. We are deeply ashamed to admit this. Instead we tend to create “acceptable” explanations of the cause of death that we choose to tell others. If a loved one dies of suicide and someone asks us about the cause of death, we often tend to say, “It was a heart attack” or some other “natural” cause of death that is socially acceptable. We do not seek to glorify suicide; nor do we condemn it. People who die of suicide are not heroes; nor cowards; nor criminals. Suicide is nota crime. It is public health crisis. It is a mental health issue that is treatable and preventable. Such informed perspectives can change conversations on suicide and also ensure supportive spaces for survivors of suicide loss to rebuild their lives. [1]https://www.suicidology.org/ [2]https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two.../understanding-survivors-suicide-loss\
1 Comment
![]() The first self-support group meeting for survivors of suicide loss just launched itself. This is a private group for survivors of suicide loss. If you have lost someone close to you to suicide, please visit www.wpeakinitiaitve.org to join the Facebook group. Read more… #LetsSPEAKaboutsuicide Just a month after SPEAK was inaugurated, Dr. Sivanandha Raja and Dr. Meenakshi Raja from Karaikudi reached out to me. About six months back they had lost their brilliant teenage son Bhuvanesh Raja to suicide. We agreed to meet the next day at the SPEAK office premises. This was born SPEAK for Survivors of suicide loss—a self-support group for those bereaved by suicide. I still remember by opening lines, “How I wish we didn’t have to be members of this group…” They nodded in complete agreement. Yes, our membership in this group was by sheer chance; not choice. We are now branded with the unwelcome designation of a survivor of suicide loss. We spent the next three hours, sharing and listening to our mutual stories of loss, pain, sorrow and anguish. All three of us felt supported and validated in a safe and supportive space. While our grief was unique in several aspects, the commonalities were overwhelming. The experiences of shame, blame, stigma, isolation and exclusion were common to all of us. All of us were and continue to be subject to speculation. Why did the person do this? People are obsessed with trying to find out the one reason why…. In such an atmosphere of doubt and blame, it is all too easy to blame ourselves. Parents who survive the suicide of their son or daughter are often blamed for having failed in their parental duty of “protecting” their children. Similarly, a wife whose husband dies of suicide is perceived as having “failed” to prevent the suicide. Interestingly, such accusations need not be explicit. Often, it is subtle and as survivors of suicide loss, we are acutely sensitive and perceptive to such sub texts. We were each other’s sounding board as we explored our fears and concerns. The collective empathy generated was reassuring; especially as we felt so “disconnected” from most people simply because others did not share our vocabulary of stigma and shame. How can we rebuild our lives with hope and courage while honoring and cherishing our loved one? What will the “new normal” in our life feel like? Will we be ever “whole” again? The truth is that no one can be “responsible” for another person. Would we blame the surviving spouse or parent if the person concerned had died of cancer or any other disease? Why then, are we so ready to brand survivors of suicide loss as having “failed” to prevent the suicide or even indirectly being a trigger? Participating in the support group was a truly healing experience for me. I felt heard’ validated and supported unconditionally. I suppose there is no substitute for lived experience. I felt reassured that my felt experience of stigma, shame and isolation were not a figment of my imagination but an expression of the empathy deficit, judgmentally and insensitivity. My friend Dr. Bharat Krishna Shankar once profoundly remarked, “the absence of judgmentality is liberation.” Seeking to change conversations on suicide and expand our understanding of this public health issue is an opportunity for everyone to step beyond judgments and moralistic stance on suicide. We need to engage with this issue with compassion and concern. Is anyone listening? Just a month after SPEAK was inaugurated, Dr. Sivanandha Raja and Dr. Meenakshi Raja from Karaikudi reached out to me. About six months back they had lost their brilliant teenage son Bhuvanesh Raja to suicide. We agreed to meet the next day at the SPEAK office premises.
This was born SPEAK for Survivors of suicide loss—a self-support group for those bereaved by suicide. I still remember by opening lines, “How I wish we didn’t have to be members of this group…” They nodded in complete agreement. Yes, our membership in this group was by sheer chance; not choice. We are now branded with the unwelcome designation of a survivor of suicide loss. We spent the next three hours, sharing and listening to our mutual stories of loss, pain, sorrow and anguish. All three of us felt supported and validated in a safe and supportive space. While our grief was unique in several aspects, the commonalities were overwhelming. The experiences of shame, blame, stigma, isolation and exclusion were common to all of us. All of us were and continue to be subject to speculation. Why did the person do this? People are obsessed with trying to find out the one reason why…. In such an atmosphere of doubt and blame, it is all too easy to blame ourselves. Parents who survive the suicide of their son or daughter are often blamed for having failed in their parental duty of “protecting” their children. Similarly, a wife whose husband dies of suicide is perceived as having “failed” to prevent the suicide. Interestingly, such accusations need not be explicit. Often, it is subtle and as survivors of suicide loss, we are acutely sensitive and perceptive to such sub texts. We were each other’s sounding board as we explored our fears and concerns. The collective empathy generated was reassuring; especially as we felt so “disconnected” from most people simply because others did not share our vocabulary of stigma and shame. How can we rebuild our lives with hope and courage while honoring and cherishing our loved one? What will the “new normal” in our life feel like? Will we be ever “whole” again? The truth is that no one can be “responsible” for another person. Would we blame the surviving spouse or parent if the person concerned had died of cancer or any other disease? Why then, are we so ready to brand survivors of suicide loss as having “failed” to prevent the suicide or even indirectly being a trigger? Participating in the support group was a truly healing experience for me. I felt heard’ validated and supported unconditionally. I suppose there is no substitute for lived experience. I felt reassured that my felt experience of stigma, shame and isolation were not a figment of my imagination but an expression of the empathy deficit, judgmentally and insensitivity. My friend Dr. Bharat Krishna Shankar once profoundly remarked, “the absence of judgmentality is liberation.” Seeking to change conversations on suicide and expand our understanding of this public health issue is an opportunity for everyone to step beyond judgments and moralistic stance on suicide. We need to engage with this issue with compassion and concern. Is anyone listening? |
Dr. Nandini MuraliDr. Nandini Murali is a feminist and a gender and diversity professional. She is an author who also provides technical support in communications for the social sector. When she is not working, she heads off to the forests with her camera. Currently, she has a magnificent obsession with photographing leopards! Archives
October 2018
Categories |